European politicians, take a leaf out of Trump’s book and sell off your old clothes

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
When this publication launched in 1980 (I know time goes slowly but I think it was 2015 — ed), the U.K.’s Guardian newspaper wrote a long feature with the headline “Can Politico make Brussels sexy?” (we of course have to write POLITICO in all caps in a homage to Donald Trump).
You don’t need to read the piece (its chief flaw being the failure to interview or even mention this writer, perhaps in part because I refused to remove my cardigan for the photo shoot) but you may be wondering if we succeeded in making Brussels sexy.
The answer’s yes (although I may be a touch biased) but that’s despite the EU capital’s staunch refusal to make itself more interesting or even faintly appeal to citizens. And when you compare Brussels to the United States, it’s not a fair fight.
This week, Ursula von der Leyen, the president of the European Commission and the continent’s wolf-hater-in-chief, hasn’t said a damn thing about EU capitals nominating man after man for jobs in her next team (so few women have been nominated for commissioner jobs that’s the upcoming Oasis reunion gigs look like being a better advert for gender equality).
She should have been shouting her message from the rooftops: “If one more man gets nominated, I’m going to give him the portfolio for arranging paperclips and cleaning the fluff out from under the sofa” — although in reality, that job will go to the Hungarian commissioner.
An American politician would have made that loud call from the rooftops. This week, for example, Donald Trump offered people a chance to buy pieces of his suit!
Trump is selling fresh snake oil — sorry, digital trading cards. These are basically what we used to call NFTs (non-fungible tokens) that people with more money than sense bought in 2017 before the market fell through the floor. NFTs seemed very much like a fad (you know, like Beanie Babies, jazzercise and the internet). But now Trump’s bringing them back.
Trump’s new cards are phenomenal. One features him proudly next to a roaring lion (a show of bravery that’s a bit rich for one of the more famous draft dodgers of recent times), another has him dancing, and yet another has him holding bitcoin while dressed as Captain America. Presumably the next set will be a touch more realistic and feature images of him cheating at golf, eating cheeseburgers alone, and waiting for Melanie to return his calls.
No European politician would even dream of doing something like this (except for maybe Thierry Breton).
The cards sell for a scarcely believable $99 each. But buy 15 or more of them (15!!!), and you get an actual card (you know, a thing you can hold, like in the old days) that features a piece of the suit Trump wore during the presidential debate he held with Joe Biden. This is clearly the work of either a marketing genius or someone who has taken industrial quantities of drugs.
This is where von der Leyen — and all other European politicians — are missing a trick. Why hasn’t she said to EU countries: “Send me a female commissioner and I’ll give you a piece of the suit I was wearing when I negotiated the vaccine contract with Pfizer.”
Until that kind of thing happens, our work making Brussels sexy isn’t over.
“You join us live for the grand finale of the World Boring Championships.”
Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque
Last time we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“It’s fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.,” by Giovanni Cellini
Paul Dallison is POLITICO’s deputy EU editor.